You ever really think about what would happen if the shit went down today? I am talking Day of the Dead, Zombie eating your fucking face off, while his horde of buddies eat your dick and intestines type of shit.
I know we all talk a great game when it comes to the Zombie Apocalypse, the rise of the dead, or whatever you want to call it. But let’s face it I have seen some of you mother fuckers drive in bad weather and you can’t even handle that shit. What if it is raining Walking Dead as you chug down your local highway and these animated corpses are popping like zits all over your windshield? You going to slow down, and fuck the rest of us behind you making us stop and the hordes rip out our windshield to have a fast food buffet right on interstate 40? My guess is that is what happened in The Walking Dead. Fucking bad drivers!! Morons!
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| Courtesy AMC's The Walking Dead |
Now let’s get into the whole gun control issue. No I do not want to get political here and people against guns would say the Zombie thing will never happen stop living in the movie world.
Just a side note if it does happen I want this as my weapon of choice..
Going back to the whole "It's not real" thing. Number one I would not have this blog or anything to write about if I did not tread a bit into the make believe realm of the Walking dead, Night of the Living Dead etc…. And on a realistic note, and I will not go into the deep end here either (again this is not a political website, I have my own beliefs and we will just say I shoot often, it's a fun hobby and I am not worried about protecting my loved ones when the shit goes down.) We all need to step away from the movie world just a bit because shit that happens in movies like one shot one kill, never missing your target, fully auto machine gun Commando, Rambo style. Bullshit! Let’s move on.
Now remember this dude?
Not specifically him but a guy you may call "Billy Bob" out in the country? For you city folks that old hillbilly crazy son of a bitch who you made fun of because he is all stocked up with food, water, weapons and ammo up the ying yang? Yeah him, that mother fucker is going to survive this shit and you will be crying and pissing yourself at his front door to let you in. Then he is going to remember you said his mommy and daddy were related and tell you. “How ya’ll like me now bitches!”
How about defending yourself without firearms? Because once the proverbial zombie shit hits the fan and after the initial looting it’s not like you going to go and pick yourself up a nice new weapon. And that pepper spray probably is not going to get it done against a walking dead man suffering from whatever it is they suffer from, giving them the need to tear your flesh apart with their teeth, which I guess makes them feel better for the moment. I don’t know it’s not like we have Zombies anonymous, with Chuck Deadfuck stepping up to the podium saying “Hi I haven’t eaten the face off a baby in ten days and it is driving me crazy! But boy do I like me some fresh Hispanic meat with a tinge of pepper spray.” Although give the government a chance and I am sure we will have ZSA (or Zombie Support Agency) to waste more money on, Along with Zombie Awareness week.
But at that point they will probably be called the Living challenged. And we will all have to figure out how to speak Zombie. Maybe this would help....
Anyway! You also are not going down to the local dojo to learn some crane technique or train MMA style to help you punch through some Zombies face!
So what am I saying in this post? A lot of us are going to be Zombie food.
I know it is depressing, but you need to know the truth you lazy spoiled pricks! Even if you go by some of the basic ZombieLand rules, I don’t know let’s take Rule #1 Cardio, we are fucked as a society.
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| Courtesy ZombieLand A side note this rule is somewhat disputed by Alen Edwards and his Blog Me and My Shovel A good read and I will revisit this in a later post. |
Today we have lazy ass kids sitting down playing video games all day, the already walking dead with their heads in their electronic devices texting their lives away without communicating with others. Shit when the system goes down and they can’t text are they going to speak in a new language “Hey Chuck LOL, I 8 a HSA 2day and LMFAO wil* getting MAEFAZ” (translation Hey Chuck I ate a huge smelly ass today and laughed my fucking ass off while getting my ass eaten from a zombie.) side note *wil is due to the fact they can’t fucking spell anymore anyway and is supposed to be while. Now back to the program!
Some of them may just eat the business end of a shotgun if this screen pops up...
and they can't figure out a way to figure out how to catch up with the fucking Kardashians or vote online for some untalented prick on name that reality show.
How about eating to survive? Do some of us even know what a cheeseburger looks like without having a McDonald’s wrapper around it to start with? Zombies have to eat and this is what you look like to them...
It's not like they are going to starve to death but a full Zombie is a happy Zombie.
No Micky D's will make it a bit difficult when you have to figure out how to eat what is available or eat when drive through becomes the meaning for hitting a Zombie at 70mph.
The plus side it could become a great new fad diet. Here is a rough draft of the ad campaign.
(Announcer voice)
Now you can lose 30-50 pounds in three short months, with the Zombie apocalypse happened, I don’t have anyone to pamper my chubby video game playing lazy ass and I can’t find a Twinkie either…It all starts with Zombies tearing shit up you somehow getting those non muscle fat legs to move fast enough to avoid being Zombie thanksgiving dinner and having to shit in the woods for weeks on end looking for something that won’t give you the shits so you have to shit out in the woods for weeks on end. If you figure out how to fend for yourself since mommy and daddy or the government is not there to support your ass anymore you just may survive a leaner meaner new lighter you. Don’t call 1-800-URFCKED now because all lines are down and you are probably dead anyway” So this is the first draft of the commercial, but I got other things to get ready for so don’t know if I will put together an LLC yet or not.
Now you can lose 30-50 pounds in three short months, with the Zombie apocalypse happened, I don’t have anyone to pamper my chubby video game playing lazy ass and I can’t find a Twinkie either…It all starts with Zombies tearing shit up you somehow getting those non muscle fat legs to move fast enough to avoid being Zombie thanksgiving dinner and having to shit in the woods for weeks on end looking for something that won’t give you the shits so you have to shit out in the woods for weeks on end. If you figure out how to fend for yourself since mommy and daddy or the government is not there to support your ass anymore you just may survive a leaner meaner new lighter you. Don’t call 1-800-URFCKED now because all lines are down and you are probably dead anyway” So this is the first draft of the commercial, but I got other things to get ready for so don’t know if I will put together an LLC yet or not.
The fun part about this depressing post? Look around you. You can probably pick out some of those who will survive
and some who won’t.
And don’t get me wrong, you can be a trained mercenary with shitloads of war experience, MMA fighter, tri-athlete, who can live off the land for weeks and just one lapse in judgment you get bitten and become part of the horde.
Or you can be a bumbling lucky bastard (hey, he beat anorexia, why not the Zombie Apocalypse?)
who just lives with a horseshoe up their ass and makes it through to help populate the world again with chicks who through lack of choice like getting it on with Joe Bumblefuck nerds like you... Unfuckingbelievable!!!
That is just the way life is people. In the end what does it really matter, billions of the living dead, you survive it all kicking and screaming, you fought your way to be the last human being on the planet, then the Alien invasion happens and they burn this world to a crisp. What the Fuck! or for you Electronic device dependent Walking Dead fuckers WTF!
and some who won’t.
And don’t get me wrong, you can be a trained mercenary with shitloads of war experience, MMA fighter, tri-athlete, who can live off the land for weeks and just one lapse in judgment you get bitten and become part of the horde.
Or you can be a bumbling lucky bastard (hey, he beat anorexia, why not the Zombie Apocalypse?)
who just lives with a horseshoe up their ass and makes it through to help populate the world again with chicks who through lack of choice like getting it on with Joe Bumblefuck nerds like you... Unfuckingbelievable!!!
That is just the way life is people. In the end what does it really matter, billions of the living dead, you survive it all kicking and screaming, you fought your way to be the last human being on the planet, then the Alien invasion happens and they burn this world to a crisp. What the Fuck! or for you Electronic device dependent Walking Dead fuckers WTF!
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