How do you Survive a Zombie breakout? Well most of the following is somewhat obvious if you have ever watched a Zombie flick in your life. But hey nothing like a little review before the big test. You don't want to get caught with your pants down (and we will cover that lil' diddy below) and a hungry flesh muncher comes around the corner starving for a meat snack. But much like I studied for finals in High School years ago, I try to have some fun with it to remember all this shit. So here we go!
First thing is first. Are we dealing with lumbering, slow walking Zombies who, if you come upon, one at a time you can actually razz, kick them in the junk and take down easy? (note if they come in hordes, catch you by with your pants down, again we will get to that below, corner and overwhelm you they are still dangerous. Very dangerous) or are they the track star zombies growling snarling and running like fucking crazed flesh eating bastards? We have seen them both.The slow moving undead in movies like Night of the Living Dead and the fast moving monsters in 28 days Later and the Dawn of the Dead the remake.
Know your enemy people. As a side note the Zombie apocalypse can be fun. Think about a few of those people out there you absolutely hate, or in the past have made your life miserable. As a human being you should never take another persons life unless yours is threatened and you have no choice. But if that fuckstick becomes a zombie all bets are off. You knock on their front door and say "Hello shithead you home?" If they answer they are obviously not part of the living dead, and you can just run up dickpunch them and be on your merry way. But if they have turned. BANG! shoot that son of a bitch right in the face. (again this is only in the case of a Zombie breakout and that asshole has turned) Let's move on shall we?
This bring us to Avoid contact (I know it contradicts the above but those assholes deserve your attention) weather you are running your ass off screaming like a frigging moron or just trying to keep quiet and avoid a bunch of dead dudes who appear to be stoned out of their minds and in the mood for flesh munchies, don't let them touch you. If they don't touch you they can't bite you, scratch you, or slow you down long enough to get overrun.
To avoid getting touched you may want to arm yourself. Guns are always a plus. You can keep your distance and aim for the brain. What type is up to you but the more common the ammo is the easier it is to stay well armed (used to be .22 or 9mm but these days even that is hard to find) Shotguns are always good they can be aimed and BOOM! take that son of a bitch's head clean off. Now the down side to a gun if you watch shows like The Walking Dead is a gunshot can attract Beta Gamma Zombie or the fraternal order of I am dead and want to chew on your arm. A simple weapon is a baseball bat, swing for the fences and bash their fucking brains out. A long knife or sword is also great as it is silent and a quick zombie lombatomy will do the trick. The best of both worlds is again from the Walking Dead a Crossbow, where you can keep your distance and put them down.
Water (you have to hydrate) and food is a give me. If you can't rehydrate or feed yourself, you are going to be both weak and eventually drop dead anyway.
Transportation is huge if you can get a vehicle that will both protect you from the swarming hordes and get you from point A to Point B that is great. Just don't run out of gas or use one of those Vaginamobiles. Because at this point the world has gone to shit and a green car just ain't gonna cut it.
There are going to be other people out there. And if you can't trust them or they are in general just dickbags well Zombies will be problem number two. Because if they all rip you off or enjoy feeding other people to Zombies in some sickfuck gladiator diner theatre. Well that kind of sucks. On the other hand you may want to be part of a group that can fight them off take care of each other and in general have a society of other human beings you can interact with before you go bonkers take your own life and we have one more walking dead assclown to deal with.
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Which also brings us to a little sex doesn't hurt to keep your head straight. After all it may be the end of the world, but let's not get crazy, you need a release once in a while. Now don't get caught in the act (read above "with your pants down") nothing worse than getting your neck ripped apart while in the middle of a good bang bang. Then you have to concentrate on trying to blow a wad before succumbing to death. But hey I guess at least you'll "Die Hard"
Know when to fight and when to get the fuck out of there. This pretty much speaks for itself. If you can without a doubt get the hell out of an area without much conflict. Go! Why fight and waste ammunition as well as the chance of getting caught off guard and getting bitten when you can just slip the fuck out the door.
Shelter is a good thing. If you can bunker down, with enough food water, weapons and protect yourself from all sides, with an escape route planned in case the zombie shit hits the fan. You may survive for a while. Eventually you will have to venture out once supplies run low. Which brings me to my last point and one that I never see on lists like these.
Be a fucking Ninja! I know it is a whole other genre, but if you have to go out and feed the troops, be silent like the wind but be able to kill those dead fuckers when needed. Just don't become a track star zombie because the rest of us do not want to deal with a crazed, zombie ninja..Otherwise we are all fucked!!!
Although I did not quote them below are some good references if you think my plan is bullshit! If you do. Well to each his own, I am going to japan to become a ninja! Later fuckers, see you on the other side!
Refrences:
NYmag.com
survivial-training.wonderhowto.com
The Zombie Survival Guide
Ezinearticles.com
Love pic from amolife.com
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